The Hand I Was Dealt

understanding life through tarot cards

I remember not long ago, the tarot craze. I believe it was during covid. Similar to crystals, I never fully delved in, I am not sure why. I had felt such a strong pull towards it but was overwhelmed with the sea of knowledge and was uncertain where to start excatly in learning this new language. I decided what better way to grow a connection than to familiarize myself by explaining my life in tarot cards. A sort of ice breaker for me and the cards, and me and you.

Thinking of major pivots in my life, I have chosen 3 cards to represent the past, present, and future relationship with these events. The card for the future I chose based on what I am working towards and would like to welcome into my life. It is the track I am setting myself on- a vision card of sorts.

As I move through each event, I am overcome with curiosity and invite you to share your experience with these events, or even interpretation.

These are my big 3. These are the cards I believe represent me wholly, honestly, and accurately. I claim the card of death to me my past. I understand cards can be upright or reversed and this skews their meaning.

Death (upright): to me death represents the beauty of endings. The immense strength it requires to move on. It also represents the risk one feels. For me, death was cutting ties with a parent. For me, death was the brutal awakening of adulthood. For me, death is understanding it is no different than what you experience. I understand we are all, at our core, the same. We all go though these horrible times, yet these moments shape us and begin to define us in what we absorb and reject. It is the space, the recognition of pain, that feels indescribable. I linger in isolation, even in something so human coded.

The chariot (upright): the present. Right now I am in the era of the chariot living in departure, discipline, and courage. I just got my first car, I am transferring to university and switching from online classes to classes on campus. I am excited and a little scared but all over warm and welcoming to these changes.

The hermit (upright): In the future I hope to be an old lady full of wisdom, independence, and awareness. I want to be comfortable in my mind and share knowledge with ease. I want to be aware of exactly when to push and when to relax and understand the capacity of my efforts. I want to be the old lady forever giving because she has made so much of a world for herself that she can choose what to share with people.

The cards I have held have moved and shifted through my life. I have held them in aching hands, shaking hands, and weakened hands. I used to be blind to the cards I held, but with age I began to uncover the secrets of them. The rhythm to playing them, and them playing you.

My childhood was great. I say that with a somber dreary sap leaking from my lips. It seemed both perfect and terrifying in the moment. Looking back, it is shielded, meticulous, and stressful. My mother did everything right, and my father simply existed. I had intense anxiety growing up, everything felt life threatening. The only person I trusted was my mom.

I have somehow overcome most of my anxiety, or perhaps I am old enough to avoid certain situations and I am not forced into settings that children are often expected to participate in. I am able to dream now. To dream because I am no longer in fight or flight. I am at peace with the mysteries.

If I continue like this, I hope to be in authority, power, and stability. Of just myself, of just my life. I feel like I am grasping at control. I am preparing to counteract turbulence rather than looking for what to reach for when it hits. This is my goal.

I used to think love was about maintaining balance and harmony. I realize now I learned this from my mom (she did what she had to do, she was not wrong). However, in the application of my life, I cannot always keep the balance and harmony. However, I always maintain patience in love. I believe that is vital to every entity.

Now, I have passion an union, not just held up by my own hand. I have a partner who has showed me how to love, and has showed me who I am in the conversation of love. I am certain of my spot at the table of love.

I hope to allow myself to be more spontaneous with this space of certainty. I hope to create new levels everyday. Creating my own definition and world of love.

School used to be my biggest struggle in life, literally from preschool. I still had intense stomach pain up until my high school graduation. I have been doing college online and will be taking a class on campus next semester. I will probably have a stomach ache everyday again to where I can only eat certain foods and can’t eat past 7pm. For now I am holding The Sun. I feel like I can help myself not label this experience has I have in the past. With the break of learning who I am without anxiety, I know who I can be. I know I can do it. I feel pleasure, rebirth, and light in this moment. I hope to maintain this wisdom and awareness. I hope to be independent most of all. I know I can do this. I know I can reach The Hermit.

I used to stand with The High Priestess with deep intuition. Like I said, I was drawn to tarot cards and to always guessing the number you were thinking about. I had an incredible gut feeling. If only I could gamble back then. Right now I find myself with The Hanged Man, feeling at a pivot. I feel change and release almost as if i’m shedding my skin. For a moment, I felt the lack of control and the sacrifice, but I am turning this car right side up again. So that I can get to Judgement: the liberation, redemption, the awakening.

I am 21 and I just got my first car. This was because I wanted a decent car with a decent chunk down and a low payment. This came with restlessness and disruption. I was wanting the change but I had to hold out. It was so frustrating.

I got my car! I am beyond thrilled as I start a new beginning. As I let go and let that dependence come to an end as I embark on new independence. I will find myself in a wheel of fortune as fate and karma will rule over me.